Letter Ten

December 8th, 2006

Dear Juliana,

You just left and I’m still crying. That poem you gave me, “Welcome to Holland;” has unleashed a flood gate of tears I was keeping in. The words of that are so powerful and what is most powerful to me is that I’m not alone in this, not alone in these feeling I’m going through. Reading this poem written by someone else means someone else has felt this exact thing that I do.

I thought I was going to Italy just like everyone else. I had her room all ready, had all the outfits hung in the closet had my diaper bag ready with me at the hospital. I learned how to speak Italian. But when we landed or when I delivered her we were in Holland and not Italy. And like the poem says in Holland you’ll have to get new guide books and learn a whole new language. But also like it says you’ll meet people you would have never met.

You’re one of those people, a public health nurse by day and an angel by night. I wouldn’t have meet you if I wasn’t in Holland. The morning you walked in to my house I really needed someone to talk to, someone to encourage me and tell me I could keep going. When anyone asks how I’m doing I tell them the easiest answer possible, fine. I’m not fine though. This is so hard.

My whole pregnancy I would watch TLC’s “Bringing Home Baby,” a reality show following a Woman’s pregnancy and delivery. In all the episodes I watched, I never remember a family bringing home a baby that wasn’t healthy. Now that I’ve been home by myself for a week I’ve been watching episodes just to see if anyone did in fact bring home a baby who wasn’t healthy. I wanted to see how they dealt with it, if their baby got better. I wanted to be understood, because no matter how many people have told me their here for me and they understand they don’t.

They have no idea that I feel completely and utterly alone. They don’t know that I cry myself to sleep at night. During the day I beg God in prayer for Noel to snap out of it and be ok. So when you brought me this poem it gave me hope, that I may not have met anyone yet who understands, but at least those people are out there, somewhere.

Your sweet spirit and happy heart also helped to set me at ease. My mom is in Denver and hasn’t been able to visit yet so I very much needed your maternal support. I know I’ll see you next week when you come to check Noel’s weight. Thank you again for being such a bright spot in my dark day.

Tina