Letter Four

November 30th, 2006

Dear Alana,

Well, she’s here and wish I was writing you from my living room cuddle on my couch nursing my newborn. I’m not though; instead, I’m sitting in a little blue recliner all alone looking at Noel in her crib watching and listening to her monitor. We’ve been at Children’s Hospital in the NICU for two days now. I got the message you left on Friday congratulating me on her birth. 

The truth is I just couldn’t bring my self to call you and give you all the details, so that ’s why I’m writing this letter. It’s so much easier for me to get my thoughts and feelings out when I’m writing, I also have plenty of time to write here in this little hospital room. There’s no privacy, at any moment a nurse, doctor or someone else can walk right through the door. So much has happened since the day before my c-section; that day with you, my mom, Veronica and Alissa seems like it was a lifetime ago since all I’ve gone through. 

Many times in the last week I’ve wished I could go back to the table where we ate lunch at that simple taco salad and sprite; just laughing and celebrating the day I would deliver sweet Noel. November 16th, 2006 was a day I was still so naive and had no idea what the future would hold, it was the last day my life was simple. I went home that night feeling excited and ready to meet my daughter. The next day at the hospital was pretty routine and normal up until I got my IV and was about to go into surgery. One second I was fine and the next second I had a full blown panic attack. 

Thankfully my mom was there with me and was able to pray for me and calm me down. Once I was calm, they wheeled me into the operating room. It’s so weird because after that panic attack I had the strangest sense of peace surrounding me. I know you understand the power of God’s peace and that’s exactly what it was. I laid there waiting, as the doctor operated on me, excited to meet my sweet baby and hold her in my arms. I couldn’t wait. The room was filled with so much excitement and anticipation. I was scratching my nose from the oxygen when the whole room fell silent. Wait a minute I thought, in all the movies this was the moment that the room was supposed to be the loudest. Gasping cries of a newborn infant, doctors and nurses rejoicing. 

But why was everyone to silent and why wasn’t the baby crying? The Doctor held her over the curtain for just a split second and said “here she is,” and then whisked her away. I had seen her head full of dark curly hair, but why wasn’t she crying and why was no one talking? The doctor reassured me that she was ok, she just needed a little bit of attention. I felt a little at ease when he said that but I was still concerned. When they took me from the post-op room they told me they take me to see Noel in the NICU. 

They rolled my hospital bed into the NICU and there I saw my sweet girl covered in tubes and wires. I was only able to look at her for a few moments until they wheeled me off to my room. Soon someone came in to talk to us and told us that she was having trouble breathing, they thought maybe it was her diaphragm and they were going to do some testing to find out. “When can I see her?” I asked them. “Not until tomorrow morning our NICU visiting hours are 9-9.” 

Can you even believe that Alana? They have visiting hours at the hospital, when you can see your brand new baby. I don’t think I slept much that night, I mean this was the first time in 9 months that I had been without Noel and now all of a sudden I’m suppose to sleep without her? The next morning we went to the NICU and she wasn’t there. “I was like what the heck, where is my daughter?” The nurse told me, “oh we took her downstairs for testing, she’s getting a spinal tap.” 

Well, I wish they could have told me; I about had a heart attack walking in the room and not seeing her crib. By the time she got back to the NICU, I was a mess of tears and emotions, I just wanted to see my baby! I couldn’t hold her because of all the tubes but I willed my recently c-sectioned body up out of the wheelchair and put my face right on top of hers. I stood there until they needed to change her diaper, they basically had to peel me off of her. You know how long I’ve been waiting to meet her, it’s all I could talk about in my last couple weeks at work, by the way how is everyone at work? 

Oh my gosh to think last week my biggest stress was when the cheddar bay biscuits were going to be ready. Wow has my life changed. Also, things between her dad and I haven’t been going very good. As you know our relationship was rocking before this, I mean finding out we were going to have a baby was hard enough on us, let alone to be going through all this. I just don’t know how we’re going to make it through. Well, I hope we’re home soon and you can meet sweet Noel. Lord knows I could use some time laughing with my friends.

Love you,

Tina