Letter Six

November 22nd, 2006

Dear Singing Group, 

I had to write you and let you know how much your song meant to me today. Thank you so much, your sweet voices and acoustic guitar blessed me so much. I wanted to share with you how perfect your song selection for me was. I was sitting alone holding Noel in my little blue hospital chair. When I looked up to see your sweet smiling faces I wasn’t sure why you were there.

But then you started singing. You sang the Beatles song “Here comes the sun.” Wow, those words pierced right though the dark room and into my lonely heart.

“Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter” It sure has been a long cold winter both literally and figuratively. As you sang the tears poured down my face. It was almost therapeutic; you guys standing in the doorway, the sweet melody filling the hospital room and me bawling my eyes out.

Before you came to the door I had been sitting and thinking about how lonely and helpless I feel. All day I just sit here in this dark little hospital room. I’m constantly watching Noel breath, paying close attention to all the numbers on the monitors. I barley leave to get food or use the bathroom. Poor little thing is still to weak to even cry. The doctors still have no idea what is wrong with her.

The truth is my long cold winter didn’t just start now, or even when she was born. My long cold winter started years ago. I don’t really talk to anyone about how bad things have been with me and Noel’s dad; I feel too ashamed to even complain.

You see I was already in a season of loneliness when I met him. It was in a dark season of life. My plans to go to a University didn’t work out so I found myself at a community college; funny thing for me is I found absolutely no community at that college.

I grew up in a small town and was an athlete so there was always plenty of friends, teammates and coaches. I also had tons of affirmation and people speaking into my life. After graduation all that was gone. So thats what I’ve been searching for; a community and a place to belong.

I met Noel’s dad at a friends wedding. It seemed like he had tons of friends and a great community; it was exactly what I had been looking for. I can see now that moving four hours away to his town was bad idea. I should have stayed close to home. It just seemed so exciting to move somewhere new with someone new.  It hasn’t been as great as I thought. We’re always fighting, I thought that life was going to be so different.

I was about to leave this unhealthy relationship when I found out I was pregnant. That’s why now I don’t feel like I can tell anyone how miserable I really am. And now on top of it now here I am in the hospital with my daughter. The reason I’m alone with Noel is he had to go back home to work to keep up with the bills. My family would be here but they feel helpless just siting around doing nothing.

So here I am thinking about life. I know my situation isn’t the greatest but what am I supposed to do? If I thought leaving the relationship would be hard before, now it will be even harder.

Oh my gosh I can’t believe I’ve just ramble on to you, you’re strangers. But I guess it was more therapy for me. I really hope the sun is coming like the song says. Maybe this will all be a distant memory soon and we’ll have a more normal life. Thank you again for stopping by my room yesterday, it meant the world to me.

Tina