Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Fear/Anxiety

: an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger


Obviously it’s normal for us to have some fear or anxiety when our children are going to be in the midst of danger. However I don’t want Fear to consume my thoughts, control my actions or play with my emotions. I’m going to share my heart with you so you know how to better pray for me and just to share this journey with you from the inside out; it’s very therapeutic to be able to write about what we’re going through.

There are the obvious things that you would look at in our situation and see where fear could come in; the fact that Noel is having major surgery. Things like complications in surgery, infection after and the possible chance that she may not make it through. I have thought about these things, but that is honestly not where most of my fear lies. I believe that God’s grace is sufficient in all things, I believe that He has a plan for Noel, I believe she will be safe and make it thorough surgery great.

The places I have fear are in being in a Hospital for 10 or more days. Once I walked into and Emergency Room with Noel thinking that she needed some Oxygen and we’d be home that night; little did I know we would live in the Hospital for the next 4 months. Life went on normally for everyone around me; my life stopped. My life was filled with Nurses, Doctors, Therapists, Social Workers, and sadly not with friends, dinner parties, family outings, Church services. (I do have a truly amazing friend Kat who did come to be with Noel and I, just to hang out, laugh with, cry with, be with. Thank you so much Kat!) So honestly that’s one source where fear has crept in, in thinking my life may stop again, in not knowing how long we may or may not be in the Hospital.

I have had anxiety in the fact that our family will be split apart during the time after her surgery; Noel can’t have visitors under 12 years old not even her brother and sister. It’s hard to parent when your kids are in two different places. Thankfully my mother in-law and sister in-law will be able to be with Land L the whole time. Any time you have a sick child it takes a toll on a marriage; it only gets intensified when you add surgery, no alone time, no privacy and all the added stress and emotions.

And if I’m being really honest one of my biggest fears is what if this surgery doesn’t fix her? What if Noel can’t get back to walking? We found out that they will be doing vocal cord surgery in addition to her back surgery; if it’s successful then she will be able to talk. But what if her vocal cord surgery doesn’t work and she still can’t be heard?

I know the God I serve is not a “what if God,” but I also know that I am human and I am weak at times. When I am weak and when I allow it to be expressed then He has an opportunity to be Strong. So please join me in praying against these Mother’s fears, any fear that Noel may have and any fears the rest of our family may have about this surgery.