Letter Six

November 22nd, 2006

Dear Singing Group, 

I had to write you and let you know how much your song meant to me today. Thank you so much, your sweet voices and acoustic guitar blessed me so much. I wanted to share with you how perfect your song selection for me was. I was sitting alone holding Noel in my little blue hospital chair. When I looked up to see your sweet smiling faces I wasn’t sure why you were there.

But then you started singing. You sang the Beatles song “Here comes the sun.” Wow, those words pierced right though the dark room and into my lonely heart.

“Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter” It sure has been a long cold winter both literally and figuratively. As you sang the tears poured down my face. It was almost therapeutic; you guys standing in the doorway, the sweet melody filling the hospital room and me bawling my eyes out.

Before you came to the door I had been sitting and thinking about how lonely and helpless I feel. All day I just sit here in this dark little hospital room. I’m constantly watching Noel breath, paying close attention to all the numbers on the monitors. I barley leave to get food or use the bathroom. Poor little thing is still to weak to even cry. The doctors still have no idea what is wrong with her.

The truth is my long cold winter didn’t just start now, or even when she was born. My long cold winter started years ago. I don’t really talk to anyone about how bad things have been with me and Noel’s dad; I feel too ashamed to even complain.

You see I was already in a season of loneliness when I met him. It was in a dark season of life. My plans to go to a University didn’t work out so I found myself at a community college; funny thing for me is I found absolutely no community at that college.

I grew up in a small town and was an athlete so there was always plenty of friends, teammates and coaches. I also had tons of affirmation and people speaking into my life. After graduation all that was gone. So thats what I’ve been searching for; a community and a place to belong.

I met Noel’s dad at a friends wedding. It seemed like he had tons of friends and a great community; it was exactly what I had been looking for. I can see now that moving four hours away to his town was bad idea. I should have stayed close to home. It just seemed so exciting to move somewhere new with someone new.  It hasn’t been as great as I thought. We’re always fighting, I thought that life was going to be so different.

I was about to leave this unhealthy relationship when I found out I was pregnant. That’s why now I don’t feel like I can tell anyone how miserable I really am. And now on top of it now here I am in the hospital with my daughter. The reason I’m alone with Noel is he had to go back home to work to keep up with the bills. My family would be here but they feel helpless just siting around doing nothing.

So here I am thinking about life. I know my situation isn’t the greatest but what am I supposed to do? If I thought leaving the relationship would be hard before, now it will be even harder.

Oh my gosh I can’t believe I’ve just ramble on to you, you’re strangers. But I guess it was more therapy for me. I really hope the sun is coming like the song says. Maybe this will all be a distant memory soon and we’ll have a more normal life. Thank you again for stopping by my room yesterday, it meant the world to me.

Tina 

Letter Five

November 21st, 2006

Dear Flight for Life Nurse,

I wanted to write you a letter of appreciation. Thank you for being on the life flight with Noel and I yesterday. So many thing changed so quickly that day. The doctors came in our room and told us they couldn’t do anything else for Noel. Noel needed to be seen at a higher level care hospital. They had done all they could for her here, and she needed to go to Children’s Hospital. We agreed and they told us the flight for life plane was on the way to get her.

I was so nervous and so relieved all at the same time. I knew she was sick, but was she really sick enough to warrant a flight for life flight? Then they told me, “We don’t know if you’ll be able to fly with her, it’s up to the pilot.” I started to cry right then. There’s no way I can drive 4 hours though the Colorado Mountains to get to the hospital. I don’t want to leave my little girl. The next hour as we waited for you guys to get to the hospital was full of so much emotion.

When the nurse came in the room and told us that you had arrived my heart flopped inside my body. Will he let me ride on the plane? I looked at Noel’s dad for reassurance, “You’re going to get on the plane Tina, no matter whatever it takes,” he said. We walked down the hallway just as you and the crew we’re coming around the corner. You gave me such a reassuring smile. I was ready to beg and plead, even cry my way on to that plane. The pilot so easily said, “sure you can ride with us.”

Like a well oiled machine you and the crew got everything you needed packed and loaded up in no time. I guess you could tell how nervous and uneasy I was because you looked me straight in eyes and said don’t worry I never freak out and if I am freaking out you’ll know something is wrong. I felt a little lighter after you told me that. We loaded into the ambulance and the EMT handed me a pillow and told me to put it over my incision. He said, “Here hold this against your stomach to make sure it’s safe.” 

On the plane I could barley take my eyes off the isolate that Noel was in; I so nervous. Her tiny little body lay connected to all kinds of cords. I was sitting towards the back of the plane doing all I could to keep myself calm. I don’t remember much of the flight until we started to desend over the mountains and into Denver.

That’s when we hit turbulence unlike anything I’ve experienced before. That little tiny lear jet bounced up and down and side to side. I was having a panic attack thinking we were going to crash. Then I looked up at you sitting in the seat at the front of the plane. You continued to doing your charting, just like you had been doing the whole flight.

Well, I thought to myself, “she’s not freaking out so I guess I shouldn’t be either.” Seriously thank you for reassuring me before we got on the plane. I know you probably didn’t think much for speaking those words, but to me, it gave me so much peace. My life turned upside down the past few days and your kind spirit and quite strength were such a source of reassurance for me. We’re at children’s in Denver now and I don’t know what’s next for us, but I really appreciate you helping get us here safely.

Thanks,

Tina  

Letter Four

November 30th, 2006

Dear Alana,

Well, she’s here and wish I was writing you from my living room cuddle on my couch nursing my newborn. I’m not though; instead, I’m sitting in a little blue recliner all alone looking at Noel in her crib watching and listening to her monitor. We’ve been at Children’s Hospital in the NICU for two days now. I got the message you left on Friday congratulating me on her birth. 

The truth is I just couldn’t bring my self to call you and give you all the details, so that ’s why I’m writing this letter. It’s so much easier for me to get my thoughts and feelings out when I’m writing, I also have plenty of time to write here in this little hospital room. There’s no privacy, at any moment a nurse, doctor or someone else can walk right through the door. So much has happened since the day before my c-section; that day with you, my mom, Veronica and Alissa seems like it was a lifetime ago since all I’ve gone through. 

Many times in the last week I’ve wished I could go back to the table where we ate lunch at that simple taco salad and sprite; just laughing and celebrating the day I would deliver sweet Noel. November 16th, 2006 was a day I was still so naive and had no idea what the future would hold, it was the last day my life was simple. I went home that night feeling excited and ready to meet my daughter. The next day at the hospital was pretty routine and normal up until I got my IV and was about to go into surgery. One second I was fine and the next second I had a full blown panic attack. 

Thankfully my mom was there with me and was able to pray for me and calm me down. Once I was calm, they wheeled me into the operating room. It’s so weird because after that panic attack I had the strangest sense of peace surrounding me. I know you understand the power of God’s peace and that’s exactly what it was. I laid there waiting, as the doctor operated on me, excited to meet my sweet baby and hold her in my arms. I couldn’t wait. The room was filled with so much excitement and anticipation. I was scratching my nose from the oxygen when the whole room fell silent. Wait a minute I thought, in all the movies this was the moment that the room was supposed to be the loudest. Gasping cries of a newborn infant, doctors and nurses rejoicing. 

But why was everyone to silent and why wasn’t the baby crying? The Doctor held her over the curtain for just a split second and said “here she is,” and then whisked her away. I had seen her head full of dark curly hair, but why wasn’t she crying and why was no one talking? The doctor reassured me that she was ok, she just needed a little bit of attention. I felt a little at ease when he said that but I was still concerned. When they took me from the post-op room they told me they take me to see Noel in the NICU. 

They rolled my hospital bed into the NICU and there I saw my sweet girl covered in tubes and wires. I was only able to look at her for a few moments until they wheeled me off to my room. Soon someone came in to talk to us and told us that she was having trouble breathing, they thought maybe it was her diaphragm and they were going to do some testing to find out. “When can I see her?” I asked them. “Not until tomorrow morning our NICU visiting hours are 9-9.” 

Can you even believe that Alana? They have visiting hours at the hospital, when you can see your brand new baby. I don’t think I slept much that night, I mean this was the first time in 9 months that I had been without Noel and now all of a sudden I’m suppose to sleep without her? The next morning we went to the NICU and she wasn’t there. “I was like what the heck, where is my daughter?” The nurse told me, “oh we took her downstairs for testing, she’s getting a spinal tap.” 

Well, I wish they could have told me; I about had a heart attack walking in the room and not seeing her crib. By the time she got back to the NICU, I was a mess of tears and emotions, I just wanted to see my baby! I couldn’t hold her because of all the tubes but I willed my recently c-sectioned body up out of the wheelchair and put my face right on top of hers. I stood there until they needed to change her diaper, they basically had to peel me off of her. You know how long I’ve been waiting to meet her, it’s all I could talk about in my last couple weeks at work, by the way how is everyone at work? 

Oh my gosh to think last week my biggest stress was when the cheddar bay biscuits were going to be ready. Wow has my life changed. Also, things between her dad and I haven’t been going very good. As you know our relationship was rocking before this, I mean finding out we were going to have a baby was hard enough on us, let alone to be going through all this. I just don’t know how we’re going to make it through. Well, I hope we’re home soon and you can meet sweet Noel. Lord knows I could use some time laughing with my friends.

Love you,

Tina 

Letter Three

August 17th, 2006

Alisa,

Thank you so much friend! Thanks for throwing such a fun and beautiful baby shower for sweet Noel. As you know things have been hard, so just being able to celebrate and laugh with all my friends is exactly what I needed. 

I can’t believe all the people who came form work, even some of the boys! I don’t know what I would do without your friendship. Gand View often doesn’t feel like home and I feel so alone and so out of place; but anytime I hang out with you and Nate I feel like I’m around family. I know I can come craft at your house anytime! You have always been so encouraging to me and loving.

 I know were in different seasons of life now, I’m about to have a baby and you’re still in the middle of college, but that doesn’t change how you have been here for me. As you know I was about to move out with Eliana and Becca from work; I was finally ready to be done with the chaos that has been my life this last year. But then I found out I was pregnant. 

I am so blessed to be having a baby, I just wish I was bringing her into a better situation. But for now I don’t know what else to do except for try to make the best of a really hard situation. Anyway, I just love you so much and I love your sense of humor, you can always brighten my day. I’m so glad I’ll have you around to help me through this next season of life. You’re the best! Thanks again for a fun day!

Love, 

Tina

Letter Two

July 5th, 2006

Dear Baby, 

Hey sweet baby, it’s your mommy! I don’t know yet if you will be a girl or a boy I find out in just a few weeks! It’s crazy how much life changes when you find out you’re having a baby. I was running track for my College when I found out I was pregnant. 

Which means, you’ve already ran your first track meet! I’m hoping that you will be a jock like me and love to do sports! I wonder if you’ll be tall like your dad? I am only 5’2’ but he is 6’2” so chances are you could be tall; which would be great for basketball!!

I know that I didn’t plan to have a baby right now in my life. Truth is I always planned to be married and finished with college, I would be happily married for a few years, I’d be a few years into my teaching career before I would have kids. I would be fully ready to have kids! Well life doesn’t often turn out the way you plan. I’m kinda the queen of figuring out how to make things great even when the circumstances aren’t ideal.

Since you won’t read this letter until you are older I’m going to be honest with you. My life isn’t in a good place right now, my circumstances are defiantly not ideal. Having a baby not married and in a challenging relationship was not my plan. Me and your dad have a hard relationship. I was just about to make changes and move out when I found out that you were coming. 

You are not the problem at all. It’s us, we both have a lot of work to do on ourselves. But we’re willing to work on things and make the best life that we can for you. When your dad found out about you he decided to buy a house so that you would have a home to come home to. We are going to try to make this all work for you.

This may not be the best time to be having a baby, but I am so happy to be your mom. All my life I have dreamed of being a mom and having a little baby to take care of. Sweet baby, I love  you already and I haven’t even met you! I promise that I will do my very best and take care of you! It’s true, I may not know what I am doing being a mom, but I will figure it out! 

So far you are the best thing that has happened to me in my twenties, I have already grown up so much just knowing that I know have a child to take care of! Sweet little blessing, I am so thankful that God brought you to me. As I feel you inside of me, I already have such an amazing connection to you. 

Love, 

Your Mom 

Letter One

February 17th, 2006

Dear Mom, 

I didn’t know any better way to tell you this, I know you’ve been telling me I need to make some changes in my life, that the situation I am in needs to change. It’s been hard to see this situation for what it really is because I’ve felt so stuck. When I moved out here to Grand View I had the best of intentions. I was going to start college, make new friends and start a new life for myself. I know you kept telling me to think about what I was doing and I didn’t until now. But I finally listened to you, I really did.

Running track for my college team has been such a blessing, I started to get a taste of who I use to be, before I moved out here and into this rocky relationship. I have met some great friends who really like me and appreciate how silly and fun I am; I talked to one girl who needed a roommate and I was ready to move in with her. Mom, I was so excited to move out, move away start my life over again.

But this morning everything changed. I found out I’m pregnant. It came as such a surprise to me. I was finally ready to leave and make a change for the better. This isn’t how it was suppose to happen Mom? No, I didn’t want my life to be this way. All my life I dreamed of being married and ready for children. I’m not ready. Not right now, I’m barley 22, what do I know about being a mom and raising a baby? And me and my boy friend? I know that me and him don’t make that great of a couple, let alone being parents together. I was finally ready to start over and make things right in my life. Right now we are living at a friends house; how are we even going to raise a baby? And Track? I’m going to have to stop running track. I’m so devastated to leave the first team I’ve been apart of since High School.

Speaking of High School, what will all of my coaches and teachers think? I don’t know how I’m going to do this. This wasn’t going to happen to me, I was going to be the one who finished college, had a career of my own and then started a family. What about all my dreams of becoming a coach?

There are so many things I don’t know about. The only thing I know is that I want this baby, I want to be a mom. I’ll do whatever it takes to figure out how to do this, to make this situation the best I can. I promise that I will be the best mom I can to this little baby God blessed me with. I’m sorry mom if I’ve disappointed you and Dad. I love you mom. Call me when you get this letter.

Love,

Tina 

The Hardest Letter I've Had to Write

Dear Mom,                                                                                                                     2/17/2006 

Hey there. I didn’t know any better way to tell you this, I know you’ve been telling me I need to make some changes in my life, that the situation I am in needs to change. It’s been hard to see this situation for what it really is because I’ve felt so stuck. But I finally listened to you, I really did. Running track for my college team has been such a blessing, I started to get a taste of who I use to be before I moved out here and into this terrible relationship. I have met some great friends who really like me and appreciate how silly and fun I am. I talked to one girl who needed a roommate and I was ready to move in with her. I was so excited to move out, move away start my life over again. But this morning I found out I’m pregnant. It came as such a surprise to me. I was finally ready to leave and make a change for the better. This isn’t how it was supposed to happen, Mom? No, I didn’t want my life to be this way. All my life I dreamed of being married and ready for children. I’m not ready right now, I’m barely 22, what do I know about being a mom and raising a baby. And me and Ben? I know that me and him don’t make that great of a couple, let alone being parents together. I was finally ready to start over and make things right in my life. Right now we are living at Ben’s friend's house; how are we even doing to raise a baby? And Track? I’m going to have to stop running track. I’m so devastated to leave the first team I’ve been a part of since High School. Speaking of High School, what will all of my coaches and teachers think? I don’t know how I’m going to do this. This wasn’t going to happen to me, I was going to be the one who finished college, had a career of my own and then started a family. What about all my dreams of becoming a coach? There are so many things I don’t know about. The only thing I know is that I want this baby, I want to be a mom. I’ll do whatever it takes to figure out how to do this, to make this situation the best I can. I promise that I will be the best mom I can to this little baby God blessed me with. I’m sorry mom if I’ve disappointed you and Dad. I love you, mom. Call me when you get this letter.

Love,

Tina