Some days...

Some days it all catches up with me, some days I realize just how much I deal with and how much I’ve had to learn. Some days I grasp the fact that I am a 24 hour nurse; I’m on call all the time, ready to resuscitate my patient any time any where, my patient, my daughter. Some days I think wow I really am a respiratory therapist, I know more about this ventilator then some of the professionals that come into contact with it. And some days I realize that I’m sad. Today is one of those days where I realize that I am sad. It’s in the little moments, watching kids play at the mall, drink a bottle or run and shriek through the house that awakens my sadness. Will Noel ever be able to play like other kids, will she be able to eat on her own and the one that has been the hardest recently WILL SHE EVER WALK? It’s a question that I thought I knew the answer to before January and that answer was no. Now I don’t know; she is doing so much better but unfortunately her underling muscular condition is a very grim reality, her body’s muscles are wasting away. But has she gotten better? Will her muscle continue to get better? Will she walk? I thought I was ok with the fact that she may never walk, but am I? Can you ever really be ok with the fact that your child won’t be able to dance? Run? WALK?? The answer is no, I don’t think it’s something that you can ever just get over or not let bother you. I am so grateful for how far Noel has come and what a perfect angel she is, it’s just some days; some days are a little bit harder than others.